Why keep hurting

I think I am becoming too numb. A friend once said to me, if you can't find a way to ease the pain, learn to enjoy it. It's what I am trying to do. It was just weeks ago that I think I had the most wonderful moments of my life, but then again, I think it all costs something undesirable.

I can't help my feelings, no matter what comforting words I say to myself when alone and trying to get asleep, still I can't deny that I am so hurt and I feel so alone, unhappy and unwanted.

I don't even know if writing about it could somehow lessen the pain, I want to be true, I want to scream that I hate what's happening in my life, I hate the twists, I hate the expectations!

It's been two nights of emptiness. I just can't help it. I don't know if what have I done to cause me this terrible heartache. I can't believe that after all the seemingly perfect relationship, after all the courage to accept all unacceptable truths, after the forgiving, after all the patience and after all the love, it doesn't make any sense at all. What have I done?

I have told myself to keep believing, to keep expecting. But now, I realized I am slowly becoming tired of all those stuff, and realizing all events, finally, i want to make a summary out of everything. Acceptance. It's all I am afraid to do, even think of! I can't bear the thought of separation, of goodbye, of loss. It's the craziest thing that I think will come in my life, it will ruin my all, I supposed.

What else must I do? I don't want to waste my life. If there was a fault I made, maybe that's giving too much without leaving myslef some. That in this end, I found myself in a complete loss - I have not left something for myself to hold on to. I thought it was heroic. I thought it was something that will last. I was wrong.

Again for the nth time, when will I learn from all of these?!