persona non grata

Candy Pangilinan was declared by Baguio people as a persona non grata after saying ‘tao po ako, hnd ako Igorot!’. Hayden Kho is also recently considered a persona non grata in Palawan, Katrina Halili’s province, and also in Sen. Bong Revilla’s office after the expose of sex video scandals.

Unwelcome person. That is a persona non grata. I was thinking…do I have personae non gratae in my life?A few, maybe. Some people I encountered and most likely that I don’t want to see them any longer and get in touch with. People who have hurt me and those who have left grave wrong impressions and unlikable conduct. (haha). I am a choosy person. When I meet someone, at that very instant, I can say already if I like him long time or he/she doesn’t deserve any second look. But of course i don’t totally ignore those persons, as I consider that first impressions don’t necessarily last.

Ex lovers can’t be friends -that’s for me. And definitely, they are personae non gratae! :)) Reasons not needed to elaborate it further.

Attitude

I am a crowd hater, I supposed. Being with a large company makes me so anxious and uncomfortable. I don’t know, maybe it’s because I always prefer being alone.

Yet in the convention I have just attended at NIA Convention Hall, (a GE affair), I was particularly moved by one of the concluding lecture of Prof. Lopez (he was one of our speakers for the technical sessions). It was something about ATTITUDE.

Here it is:

A Small TRUTH to make life 100%

If A,B,C,D,E….up to Z is equal to
1,2,3,4,5…up to 26 respectively:

HARDWORK
H+A+R+D+W+O+R+K
8+1+18+14+4+23+15+18+11 = 98

KNOWLEDGE
K+N+O+W+L+E+D+G+E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96

LOVE? L+O+V+E
12+15+22+5 = 54

SEX? S+E+X
19+5+24 = 48

LUCK? L+U+C+K
12+21+3+11 = 47

(don’t most of us think these are the most important???)

Then, what makes 100?

Is it MONEY? . . . . NO!!!
M+O+N+E+Y
13+15+14+5+25 = 72

LEADERSHIP? . . . . NO!!!!
L+E+A+D+E+R+S+H+I+P
12+5+1+4+5+18+19+9+16 = 89

Every problem has a solution, if we perhaps change our ATTITUDE

To go to the top,
to that 100,

what we really need to go further is to…

look at our “ATTITUDE”

A+T+T+I+T+U+D+E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100!!!!


Amazing!

Am I falling inLove?

It's crazy. Yes. I'm thinking of someone who constantly rings my phone with his messages, amidst his busy schedule and tough job, he seems not to forget me at all. And he says I love You. I wanted to cry. Why do I have to feel something I've been longing for from my almost-three-year relationship?

I've asked God for a sign already. And with amazement, He gave that sign to me. I was teary eyed last night when I am realizing what a fool I am to keep exchanging messages with him, nearly rejecting my man's call just to keep our exchange of messages updated.

I can feel his sincerity. And it makes me shiver when I start to think of starting something NEW. It makes me smile and thinking of our possible moments together and of the future just simply makes me glee with gladness. Am I excited?

I want a happy family. I want someone who loves me without any other priorities. Could he be the real one?

I can't..

Sometimes I just can't find the answers I want with the too many questions that bother me. Maybe all of us get in a point where we can't simply find answers, and when we can't accept the truth that's slowly clears the issues in us. It makes me upset..and confused. For the times I want to seriously think of it, I start to feel guilty and afraid.

The truth will set me free! Maybe I need to accept the truth..or maybe I have to be blunt to myself, in a way that I could clarify what's happening.

Being in an almost three-year relationship makes me start to feel incomplete and tired. Honestly, I can't explain why I am feeling that way. It seems I am concentrating in his too many lapses in our relationships, making every simple mistake unforgivable, making me demanding, comparing. I am becoming unfair. It's all because of the confusion I am experiencing.

I am guilty of thinking of other man aside from my man. But who could tell me this is wrong? The things I see now are the 'wrongs' in our relationship, the long waiting, the petty quarrels. And adding the fact that my attention is driven by someone who says he loves me and he'll wait. I can feel his sincerity and truthfulness, that's why thinking of his words resulted to my unexplainable behavior towards my real man.

I am bothered. I wish for a peaceful relationship. I think and I am sure, that someone can give me peace. But I had my words for my man. I am thinking of all the times we've been through, and the fact that we survived all odds, the fights and the downs.

Oh God, am I losing my senses.. This is not easy. What if I am just afraid to say bye to my man? And what if I am just afraid to take the beautiful chance of loving someone whom I think will make me happy?

Love Awaits

Keeping in touch with some old friends is one of the treasures I consider in my life. After several months of not sharing, still there is a bond felt when given a chance to share what's currently happening in our own lives. At least, despite the distance, updating each other means excitement and eagerness, wishing each other with all the bests in everything.

I have a former room mate and friend whose love affair with his man is somewhat related with mine, with ups and downs, with crazy doings and all of that kind, but having failed to say goodbye after all the flaws.

Women take things and situations very differently from men! While we stay too emotional and too concern with every little detail of their deed, sometimes we forget that they are created differently from us, and we simply forget that they don't react to things the way expect them to.

With our sharing, I realized I am far luckier than my friend. It's just that I don't experience all his sacrifices for his man, I think my man shows me love just enough for me to believe that i should stop worrying for our relationship.

He doesn't say goodbye even if what I always do is to drive him out of my life. I show my worst. But he holds on.

We love for different reasons. Sometimes it may mean we have to sacrifice great things and not expect anything in return. Or we may just have to be blessed enough to be loved by somebody.

Monday, Bad Day!

I hate Mondays.

All I could think of is NEGATIVE! I have a lots of maps to do, drawings to arrange, computations to check....! Whoa. I am always scared of Mondays!

And my period is here. It do mean I need to adjust for more patience and severe 'understanding', make my moth shut when I tempt to say bad words, so and so.

But my fingers could not just behave! Ops! I mean in texting. There I pour all bads that I feel, and worst - it's the man out there who receives all my immature words and suffer my mood swing. I am demanding, irrational, unreasonable, blah and blah.

His aunt and cousin just arrived from the US and I feel so unloved and unwanted. Al I wanted for him to do is to associate me with all his plans and their activities, whatever he does, i believe I should always be remembered.

I am assured that he is faithful and he keeps his words, but I just can't simply wait for him to remember me when he is free.

He calls when he has time, he sends me SMS when he is not driving, and all..but I still I feel sick and not contented.

I want him by my side.

And I am depressed.

Freaky Me!

My female nature simply explains my freaky attitude whenever I'm near my cycle. It's just that I can't control my anger, I get easily angered. I get easily bored and depressed, I wanna yell my words with everybody who seem not to get directly what I am saying!

More so that when it comes to work, I think I am a bit perfectionist, I see no excuse why someone had to commit mistake. I am stupid to be one because I do commit errors too, but almost all the time, I think these errors can be simply corrected. I am cautious in my work, get the data properly and focus on them to arrive at a good result. Maybe this is why I just feel disgusted whenever I encounter my workmates' poor output and wrong work approach, it drives me insane and it pushes me to utter hurting words sometimes.

I hate to be wrong as much as possible, it depresses me when I commit mistakes! And when my expectations are not met, the more that I feel unloved and not given importance. This is very true of me in love's aspect. I believe I deserve to be loved the way I treat him, and that for all of the time, I am expecting for a greater reward of what I give.

I am wishing and praying for something to happen in my life now. I can't tell as of now but i am fervently praying and hoping that God will give me that blessing, it's been what I am waiting for all of my life.

Please Lord.!

Why I Wanted to Go Back

The past is absolutely a mixture of rights and wrongs, of decisions not fully studied yet done. For me, my past is both a nightmare and a beautiful dream - of which fears were fought, goals realized yet heartaches and resentment still comes back inevitably.

If a time machine could lead me back, I think I won’t go back. There are many blissful moments but somehow, remembering the bad times makes me say NO. I recall the Testimonial Dinner as a recognition to the achievers after our board exam at St Louis, I was given the merit, yet my disgust because none of my family members was there to share the moment with me. I was told I had the nicest speech, among all others.

Worst when I had my oath taking. I was there all by myself. The next day was my job interview, my birthday too. Good things happen orderly, getting a job immediately was a great blessing! Maybe I’m just a sentimental and quite emotional, for some very important occasions in my life, I wasn’t able to share them with my parents, nor siblings. We have reasons which I think is uncalled for. I was bitter then to compare my situation with my friends and classmates, having almost all of their family members with them.

But hey, am I not more lucky than they?! I won’t say I made it without my family’s support. In my heart, I’ve felt their support and concern, especially my sister who did her best to assist me in my needs.

I remember giving her the book, ‘A Purpose Driven Life’, my way of showing my gratitude. I’ve written in the cover, ‘thank u, sis, you are the best’.

Now, my turn to extend that support to my other siblings. Thank God for making me strong. I don’t need to go back, perhaps.

Well Lived

I was just writing about death yesterday, I didn’t know it was also the day the Filipino Master rapper died, Francis M. I am not a rap lover but the fact that he has beautiful songs also makes me feel ‘the loss’ as many of his fans do.

Death is really inevitable. It’s only when I learned the news that I had searched for his blogs, ‘A Free Mind’ in multiply site. He is known for writing updates about his battle of leukemia, his going through chemotherapy.

I was thinking, the world is full of differences and yet there is always something universal. Francis M has the money and the means to undergo the treatment, maybe if an ordinary poor man has it, waiting for death may only be the option.

Francis M is loved by many people. He deserves the love as he is undeniably a figure in the music world, who give inspiration especially with his nationalistic songs and business too, his clothing business themed Filipino nationality and has portrayed great love for his country.

His life wasn’t a waste. In his blogs, I could read in his lines how positive he was and how he had taken everything not as a punishment, but a life he should live. He is admirable.
Tags: kiko, father, cancer, faith, problems, death

What if I die tomorrow?!

Death scares me a lot as of now. Honestly, I don’t want it to happen to me the soonest. Maybe I am becoming so pessimist, but there is a truth in it. Death can happen anytime, like a theft and fast as a wind or even faster than the blink of an eye!

While I am always alone at night before sleeping, death suddenly comes in my mind, it makes me shiver a bit. What if something untoward happens, and I die, everything will be gone, memory, thoughts, feelings will disappear. Will I be around as a soul, invisible, can’t touch things, can’t cry, can’t speak and can’t be heard? Oh my God!

How will the news shock my family and friends? Who will know my ATM pincodes, my email password, my cellphone’s pincode? There is so much that they do not know. What will they say when they’ll read my diaries written years ago? They’ll know my secrets and heartaches. There is so much that I keep for myself, of course, as these things are personal and private. So it will be the end of my friendster too? I guess my profile will remain, as there will be no one to cancel my account, maybe it will just expire and gone too.

I hate thinking all these things! Death. I am not ready, Lord. There are so many things I wanted to do, I want to have a family of my own, I want to grow old with the man I love..

Death is more universal than life; everyone dies but not everyone lives.

True! We all die. Yet not all of us live a life. A life with sense.

Maybe I should bother myself how to live my life well. Saka na ang death. So that when I’ll no longer be here, I will have no regrets.

Where will I be?

Why keep hurting

I think I am becoming too numb. A friend once said to me, if you can't find a way to ease the pain, learn to enjoy it. It's what I am trying to do. It was just weeks ago that I think I had the most wonderful moments of my life, but then again, I think it all costs something undesirable.

I can't help my feelings, no matter what comforting words I say to myself when alone and trying to get asleep, still I can't deny that I am so hurt and I feel so alone, unhappy and unwanted.

I don't even know if writing about it could somehow lessen the pain, I want to be true, I want to scream that I hate what's happening in my life, I hate the twists, I hate the expectations!

It's been two nights of emptiness. I just can't help it. I don't know if what have I done to cause me this terrible heartache. I can't believe that after all the seemingly perfect relationship, after all the courage to accept all unacceptable truths, after the forgiving, after all the patience and after all the love, it doesn't make any sense at all. What have I done?

I have told myself to keep believing, to keep expecting. But now, I realized I am slowly becoming tired of all those stuff, and realizing all events, finally, i want to make a summary out of everything. Acceptance. It's all I am afraid to do, even think of! I can't bear the thought of separation, of goodbye, of loss. It's the craziest thing that I think will come in my life, it will ruin my all, I supposed.

What else must I do? I don't want to waste my life. If there was a fault I made, maybe that's giving too much without leaving myslef some. That in this end, I found myself in a complete loss - I have not left something for myself to hold on to. I thought it was heroic. I thought it was something that will last. I was wrong.

Again for the nth time, when will I learn from all of these?!